How To Come Across as a Badass

Posted by Tolga Ergin on

First, get an attitude. Attitude is everything.
 
Next, wear whatever the hell you want. Don’t even try to fit in with whatever is in style. Wear whatever you want in settings where others expect you to dress like everyone else.
 
Hold your head up and act like nothing is out of the ordinary, because you know that you are not an ordinary Badass. You are an extraordinary Badass.
 
Tattoo what you want, pierce what you want, rock whatever hairstyle you want, wear whatever kind of make-up or wig that you want. Hang a Badass whip off your Badass purse or your belt if you want. Wear Badass attitude pins and accessories, black leather, boots, high heels, jackets, pants, shorts, kilts, skirts, socks, and hats. If you really want to be a Badass, strip down and go skinny dipping in the ocean.
 
Get straight A’s in class, or nearly straight A’s. Be an excellent student. Study hard. Read as many great big Badass books as you can get a hold of…especially obscure books from a very long time ago. Then, balance that out with reading more recent Badass books that have information in them that not everyone should know how to do….like how to break out of prison, how to break into a car, how to fight like a bouncer, how to fake an orgasm, and how to light a Badass fart on fire.
 
Then, tell it like it is to your supervisors and those who are in positions of power over you to fire you, remove you from the premises, or even have you incarcerated if you push the envelope too far. Insist on speaking to the highest person in power to get what you want accomplished. Do this while in a costume. That’s Badass.
 
Do not leave the premises until you are certain they will never forget your performance. When asked to
leave, leave. Let them know you will be back after you accomplish a few goals in life, like rewriting the Bible and doing some stand-up comedy in bars, after going through some major trauma like getting
tackled to the pavement in a random act of violence, and hosting a schizophrenic “Satan/Father of Jesus”
man in your home, and then cleaning Snow White’s bathroom after she moves in across the street and
other “magical,” “witchy,” Badass shit like that.
 
Badasses always have a bucket list to check off. Like becoming a real witch. That’s pretty Badass.
Be polite and respectful to police officers. They can kill you, or use brute force against you, even if you are a lady or a mother of many children or a Good Witch. Teach police officers some new cuss words from the 17th Century, but inform them that you are an educator with an English degree before doing so. Let them know that you admire their bravery in their career choice, because policing other people’s behavior is a difficult job to do.
 
I know these things. Adults don’t like to be policed anymore than children and teenagers do. Police don’t like to be policed, and neither do judges, lawyers and other lawmakers. Writers don’t like to be policed and neither do poets, playwrights, editors, and free-thinkers.
Remember to keep your cool, and be respectful but assertive, especially in front of a judge. Especially if you are in front of a judge while being accused of a crime you KNOW you did not commit. Remember, that judge believes that he or she is in the place of God over your life and has no reason to believe you, like you, respect you, or care about you or what happens to your children in the long run. If the judge mocks you and ridicules you in front of your children and your ex-partner, and defends your right to engage in comedy, consider it a blessing and a win for all of mankind.
 
The judge likely has never been raped, tackled to the street by someone on drugs, or threatened and intimidated by an ex-partner. But, their butt gases probably stink just as bad as the next person’s, and definitely just as bad as your ex-partner’s, his or her new partner’s, and every little baby and toddler you ever babysat.
 
You have mothered so many children, you KNOW you are a Badass. You have camped outside with a baby hanging off your titty. You have played soccer with a handful of children with a baby tucked under your shirt. You have pushed out so many children, and have been pushed aside for so long as a submissive, you believe it is time to begin telling people who threaten to shove something up your ass that they might not want to even try, because they don’t know who they are dealing with, do they?
“What would you do if I told you I was going to shove this up your ass?” the young kid asked as he tries to take your coffee mug away from you. You just walked out of a tea shop and encountered a group of teens on the corner trying to impress each other with their own Badassery.
 
You were once a teen in the same spot, but you never needed to show off how cool you were to your friends by threatening older people. You were taught to show respect to them or ignore them. You were wrapped up in your own shit, just trying to figure out how to be an adult, keep your job, have fun with your boyfriend, and not get arrested for breaking the law.
 
 
“I don’t think that’d be a good idea. You don’t
know who I am around these parts, do you?
People know me as THE Anti-Christ. I once lived
with Satan for eight months.” You tell the teenager.
“You think you’re cool, don’t you?” the female challenges.
 
 
“Me? No, I’m not cool. I’m old. You’re cool. But, if you live long enough, you’ll be old like me someday,” you say with a calm, matter-of-fact reality. “You are very beautiful, you know that?”
“No, I’m not!” She doesn’t see herself as you do, but you are a Badass mother and poet who can see beauty in almost anyone.
 
“Yes, you are. And, don’t let any of these guys here ever tell you that you aren’t!”
You walk away from the situation after giving the girl a hug, with your head held high. You just planted a seed with your Badass attitude. You also kept yourself from feeling intimidated by a group of young people who don’t respect themselves, their parents, or other people’s safety bubbles.
Then, you continue to hang around other people who have Badass attitudes. Make friends with people who have been in prison before, especially if they are your relatives or neighbors. Stay on their good side. They likely do not want to go to prison again, and you also like your freedom to roam around and be a Badass among your social circles, which include Badass educators, editors, writers, and actors.
Don’t actually do stupid shit that will get you killed or incarcerated. Don’t actually DO drugs if you are at a Badass party and it’s offered to you. Be polite. Stand your ground.
 
Just tell them, “Naw…been there, done that. The last time I did that shit, it didn’t go so well and the police were called.”
 
Then, entertain them and tell them about the college party you were at as a teen many decades ago when there was a knock on the door and it was a police officer. And, the officer ended up being a stripper. But, remember that party was epic enough to cure you of ever needing to repeat it again.
Finally, actually hang around Badass actors with attitudes. Shoot scenes involving police officer characters, drug dealer characters, and staged college parties where there’s a lot of powdered sugar and plastic guns involved. Crack as many jokes as possible, especially when the actor forgets his lines while cutting powdered sugar into lines and the producer says, “cut!”.
 
Tell him, “You know what happens if you snort too much powdered sugar don’t you?”
 
“What?”
 
“It makes you get sweeter!”
 
Then, when he tells you that you could make a lot of money being a stripper, you tell him that you’re going to kick his ass because you used to be a Sunday School teacher and your eight children are already ashamed enough of you for ever dressing up like a stripper for Halloween, or for ever going down on a banana while in a business suit, or for ever being a Badass Comedian who tries to stay in shape and remain as healthy as possible for as long as possible so someday, you can sit on your Badass rocking chair as an old woman and tell whoever wants to hear all about your life as a Badass Native Oregonian who has to watch how much of anything she consumes….especially bullshit fed to her by other people who think they are Badasses.
 
Then, get to work the next day and shovel a Badass mountain of gravel in the freezing cold so you can park your dilapidated vehicle in a spot where it won’t get stuck in the mud while you continue to renovate a Badass house in a Badass neighborhood surrounded by a bunch of Badass Oregonians with Badass stories like yours.
 
Then, laugh as you think about your Badass ex-partner who tells people that you are scary.
And, then you say to yourself, “Me? Scary? Hell, you don’t want to meet some of my girlfriends!….. Hell, I don’t even want to meet some of my girlfriends!”
 
Then you continue having an attitude, knowing that life is like fine wine, skin, and attitudes. They get better with age.
 
WRITTEN BY
Lorrance Herring

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